Weak: Cheater Pants

What this says about you: “I’m lazy, but I still want to be sexually objectified.”

“Cheater pants” is not what a losing 6 year old might call a winning 6 year old in a game, but actually refers to the act of publicly wearing sweats or shorts with writing across the butt.

Also take note of the muffin top emerging.

Because literate people are conditioned to read anything that crosses their range of vision, a highly scientific study concluded that women who wear these pants receive about 63% more glances than women who don’t.* On the surface it doesn’t sound so bad, but let’s take a look at what we’re dealing with.

First off, you’re in sweats. If you’re in sweats, you probably didn’t have the time or energy to make yourself presentable beyond what was legally required, so why the hell do you want to draw more attention to that fact? And if by some strange coincidence you actually threw on sweats despite putting in effort on your hair and makeup, why do you want to detract from your hard work by wearing the clothing patron saint of frump?

Secondly, the words are usually either a brand logo or an adjective the wearer perceives herself to be; “Sexy”, “Hottie”, etc. While this may earn a glance because a man is forced to read your ass, telling him what to think about you pretty much guarantees he’s going to think the opposite–especially if your body is anything less than a 10. A poor choice, strategically speaking. Why?

Because every smart woman knows the most effective way to manipulate a man is to subtly suggest an idea so he thinks he came up with it, obviously! It is therefore entirely reasonable to conclude that wearing these pants advertises incompetence at handling romantic hetero relationships.

Lastly, cheater pants don’t only highlight the fact that the wearer was having a “sweatpants day”, it also implies that their whole life is a “sweatpants day”. Wearers seem to be too lazy to get their ass in shape so it actually looks good. Trust me, if your ass was already phenomenal, you wouldn’t need to resort to the distracting writing to make heads turn. Buyer beware—there is most likely a dimpled pancake hidden under that mess. Make that a lazy, JUICY, dimpled pancake.

Yum, yum! Come and get it!

*D. Brandi, B. Julia, The effect of fugly ass Cheater Pants on peripheral vision and its neurological links to migraines. Weak2Chic. 51, 1-108 (2011).

Via: momgrind for more appetizing pics and discourse on “butt writing”


7 Reasons Why I Watched the Royal Wedding

Interestingly, the Royal Wedding commotion seems to polarize everyone into either bitching at others to shut up about it or lunatics waking up at the ass crack of dawn to watch it (that would be me). When h8t3rz!!1!! find out you’re watching the wedding, they inevitably launch a tirade of, “What did they ever do for me?”, “You don’t even know them!”, “Who cares about a bunch of spoiled rich kids?”, “You’re not even British!”, “Thousands of people get married every day, who cares!”, “They’re nothing special, just people!”, “It’s too damn early!”

All of this may be true, but none of it negates my interest (even the waking up part. Shocking, I know). So I tried to figure it out. What is the appeal of the Royal Wedding for anyone who isn’t British? When I think about it, there are several perfectly acceptable reasons.

  1. It’s nice to finally have something positive in the international news. At the RW celebration I attended, this was the most commonly cited reason. Between the United States’ recession, devastating earthquakes in Haiti, Christ’s Church, and Japan, and wars going on in Afghanistan and Iraq (just to name a few), the last two years have seemed gloomier than most. Many people enjoyed this wedding as a moment of hope and peace and saw it as a symbol of positive things.
  2. It’s a unifying occasion strengthening bonds of friendship. This was another common reason. Like the Olympics, World Cup, and the Yankees losing, the wedding had people of all ages and nationalities coming together to celebrate.
  3. It’s historically significant. Being a history nerd, this was a big draw for me personally. Frequently history making moments happen without us even realizing it, so I like to take the time to consciously reflect on what’s going on when I’m fortunate enough to be aware. Even if the monarchy was done away with tomorrow as many seem to think should happen, this wedding would still be significant because it was the last in the line. Even if it wasn’t the last in the line, it’s still part of British Royal history, which will never be ignored as long as records and relatively free dissemination of information continue to exist, simply because no other country has the length and depth of influence that England has.
  4. Teh Dress! Yup. Good enough for me!
  5. It’s culturally significant. I think Americans in particular tend to forget this part. We pride ourselves on being independent, kicking the British out, and cutting off all political ties. But no matter how you look at it, the Brits are like our parents and it’s from them that we get our distinctive political approach (Magna Carta anyone? Like mother, like daughter!). We might not be living at home anymore, but we’ll still come around to visit for Christmas. Also, as anyone who has grown up on Disney movies will tell you, the Royal Wedding is the defining moment signaling a happy ending (or at least a Royal Engagement. Yeah I’m throwing you the side-eye Aladdin!). So, we’ve certainly grown up with this concept in our culture if not in our political system, and enjoy knowing such things happen in real life too.
  6. Everyone likes a wedding. Okay, maybe not everyone, but most people do and I’m no exception. I cry at total stranger’s weddings (pathetic? Uh yeah.) so of course I’m going to like this one.
  7. It’s an excuse to start drinking at 5 AM. Well, for those of you who need an excuse. 🙂

The wedding was breathtakingly beautiful. It felt fresh and real despite its heavy formality and tradition–quite a difficult balance to strike I think–and seemed to really be enjoyed by all. Just so you know, it was worth waking up early to watch it live.

Those are my general thoughts, but obviously I have more to say about what everyone was wearing, so stay tuned!


Chic: BCBGirls Blend Platform Sandal

Click for additional views and colors at heels.com

Finding a heavy feeling, yet relevant warm weather shoe can be challenging, as everything around this time tends to be either hardcore winter leftovers or SPRING, SPRING, SPRING! WHITE! PASTELS! STRAPPY SANDALS! …Just too much.

So when I popped into DSW (always a poor life choice) on my way to the Post Office and saw these beauties (on sale at $69 down from $110–score!) I knew it was time for my cash and I to whisper our last goodbyes.

Everything just felt right; the soft suede leather upper, the silver studs, the super chunky (or as my dad would call them, “clodhopper”) faux wood heel, and of course the 5 inches of extra height I gain (I need all the help I can get, okay?). And they actually did feel right once I put them on. I swapped out my Chucks while I ran some errands ’cause I figured these things might need some breaking in, but they were relatively comfortable. No rubbing or cutting on the tops of my feet or ankle, and the ball of the toes had more cushion than usual. They didn’t seem like they needed to be broken in at all, but I’m not used to wearing such a tall platform so it was good to practice because the rhythm felt more like a geta shoe than a typical heel.

While I think that these shoes are perfect for anchoring lighter spring pieces, they seem to have an unexpected other side; they’re man magnets. I’m not really sure why because while I can see these shoes saying “disco throwback”, “artsy”, and quite possibly “clumsy” or “ugly”, “do me” it does not. However, once I put these on I had 3 different dudes try to get my attention ranging from “pssssst”ing (DON’T get me started), to yelling from across the street, to one stopping me on the street and inventing a convoluted excuse that he couldn’t find the front of the library and did I like to dance Latin jazz?

I rarely-to-never attract sexual attention, especially in NYC where the streets are teeming with models and other gorgeous girls, and let me re-emphasize, I was running errands. I looked pretty disgusting. My hair was thrown into a bun and I literally had on no makeup other than BB cream. The only thing I can attribute the sudden change to is these shoes. I was invisible in Chucks and on some weird radar when I put on these things on. I’m not really sure if I want to be on that radar, but I like these shoes too much to not wear them. Maybe I’ll just wear a muu-muu and a bag over my head next time and hope they attract a Sassy Gay Friend instead.


Weak: Clinique

Oh Clinique, how you wound me! The mind numbing green packaging, the soccer mom following, the predictable makeup shades, the tacky white “lab coats”–I just can’t.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out the appeal of this brand other than the fact that it’s an ubiquitous American beauty staple and people are either too lazy, busy, or scared to try something new. Suburban mothers have been using it for decades since it’s a comfortable middle between drugstore and Dior, and they passed its conservative qualities down to their daughters, many of whom never grew out of it. Like McDonald’s, it seems a huge part of its success is owed to being widely accessible and fairly reliable.

I’ll eat a Big Mac every now and then. What I can’t do is deal with Clinique.

I was fixing Clinique lipstick testers the other day and it made my blood boil. There must have been at least 15 different lipsticks in varying shades of mauve. Revolting! I mean, how many reinventions of mauve does one person (or brand) need? It just boggles my mind that in this day and age with all the options available to us, Clinique gets away with selling about 25 different tubes of essentially the same color at department stores and higher-end retailers.

If you are so inclined to regularly patronize ho-hum colors, go to the drugstore for your sensible pinks and one cautious red. There is no need to shell out anything above $8 for something so common. In general it seems those who prefer Clinique’s lipsticks aren’t regular lipstick wearers to begin with, so why spend the extra money?

“Oh but I just want it to look natural. Nothing too crazy!” Please, just stop. Lipstick is about drama, glamour, and an opaque formula. You want natural? That’s what lip balm is for! Then if you’re feeling really crazy you can add a little colored gloss to that! This is just like girls who want the fancy heels and then kick them off as soon as they get into the club (don’t get me started!).

Unless you demand something specific from your lipstick (bold/hard to find color, long wear, ingredient specific, vegan, etc.) do us all and your wallet a favor by not adding one more ugly silver or green tube with an identical color (check your stash, I bet you have at least 3 colors that look like that 4th you’re about to pick up) to your collection.

To me, a woman who owns a fair amount of Clinique is either someone who doesn’t take much interest in makeup/skincare to begin with, or someone who is not generally a risk taker. She prefers to be told what to use rather than figure it out on her own. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of that, I just think you should know what your routine says about you. If you’re ok with that, I’m ok with that (really!). But if you like to think of make up as a form of artistic expression…branch out. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

In a painful conclusion, I must disclose in the name of fairness that recently Brandi started raving about their Acne Solutions foundation. I almost had to end the friendship. Fortunately, I’m an extremely gracious person and allowed our relationship to continue for the sake of attempting to rescue her from mainstream mediocrity. While she’s switched up her foundation for now, she still keeps it in rotation.

Brandi: “I’m with you on the Clinique thing but really, this foundation isn’t that–”

Me: “LA-LA-LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

I can’t believe it. Just stab me in the back while you’re at it Brandi! And you think you know a person…


aqua feather dress

This silky soft dress in a scrolled feather pattern features an elastic waist with a stitched aqua colored tie. Braided shoulder straps are a great a low-key adornment for this simple dress, but what we love the most is the versatility of its skirt; you can wear it down and flowing or knotted to the side for a beachy look!

Click here for more details and photos in our Ebay listing!


calico floral bolero

This adorable bias-cut bolero in floral calico print is perfect for spring or autumn weather. It’s soft and light with a flirty swing and subtle puffed sleeves. Without clasps, buttons, ties, or zippers, you can throw it on and go for a layered, feminine look!

Click here for more details, photos, and the Ebay listing!


military little black dress

This crisp black dress is a perfect blend of cotton with a touch of spandex to keep you cool and flatter your curves. Puffed sleeves and a soft waistband to nip you in gives this military-inspired look a structured feel, but sassy black buttons and a deep v-neck keep it fresh and fun!

Click here for more photos, details, and the Ebay auction!