Weak: Clinique

Oh Clinique, how you wound me! The mind numbing green packaging, the soccer mom following, the predictable makeup shades, the tacky white “lab coats”–I just can’t.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out the appeal of this brand other than the fact that it’s an ubiquitous American beauty staple and people are either too lazy, busy, or scared to try something new. Suburban mothers have been using it for decades since it’s a comfortable middle between drugstore and Dior, and they passed its conservative qualities down to their daughters, many of whom never grew out of it. Like McDonald’s, it seems a huge part of its success is owed to being widely accessible and fairly reliable.

I’ll eat a Big Mac every now and then. What I can’t do is deal with Clinique.

I was fixing Clinique lipstick testers the other day and it made my blood boil. There must have been at least 15 different lipsticks in varying shades of mauve. Revolting! I mean, how many reinventions of mauve does one person (or brand) need? It just boggles my mind that in this day and age with all the options available to us, Clinique gets away with selling about 25 different tubes of essentially the same color at department stores and higher-end retailers.

If you are so inclined to regularly patronize ho-hum colors, go to the drugstore for your sensible pinks and one cautious red. There is no need to shell out anything above $8 for something so common. In general it seems those who prefer Clinique’s lipsticks aren’t regular lipstick wearers to begin with, so why spend the extra money?

“Oh but I just want it to look natural. Nothing too crazy!” Please, just stop. Lipstick is about drama, glamour, and an opaque formula. You want natural? That’s what lip balm is for! Then if you’re feeling really crazy you can add a little colored gloss to that! This is just like girls who want the fancy heels and then kick them off as soon as they get into the club (don’t get me started!).

Unless you demand something specific from your lipstick (bold/hard to find color, long wear, ingredient specific, vegan, etc.) do us all and your wallet a favor by not adding one more ugly silver or green tube with an identical color (check your stash, I bet you have at least 3 colors that look like that 4th you’re about to pick up) to your collection.

To me, a woman who owns a fair amount of Clinique is either someone who doesn’t take much interest in makeup/skincare to begin with, or someone who is not generally a risk taker. She prefers to be told what to use rather than figure it out on her own. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of that, I just think you should know what your routine says about you. If you’re ok with that, I’m ok with that (really!). But if you like to think of make up as a form of artistic expression…branch out. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

In a painful conclusion, I must disclose in the name of fairness that recently Brandi started raving about their Acne Solutions foundation. I almost had to end the friendship. Fortunately, I’m an extremely gracious person and allowed our relationship to continue for the sake of attempting to rescue her from mainstream mediocrity. While she’s switched up her foundation for now, she still keeps it in rotation.

Brandi: “I’m with you on the Clinique thing but really, this foundation isn’t that–”

Me: “LA-LA-LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

I can’t believe it. Just stab me in the back while you’re at it Brandi! And you think you know a person…