Weak: Cheater Pants

What this says about you: “I’m lazy, but I still want to be sexually objectified.”

“Cheater pants” is not what a losing 6 year old might call a winning 6 year old in a game, but actually refers to the act of publicly wearing sweats or shorts with writing across the butt.

Also take note of the muffin top emerging.

Because literate people are conditioned to read anything that crosses their range of vision, a highly scientific study concluded that women who wear these pants receive about 63% more glances than women who don’t.* On the surface it doesn’t sound so bad, but let’s take a look at what we’re dealing with.

First off, you’re in sweats. If you’re in sweats, you probably didn’t have the time or energy to make yourself presentable beyond what was legally required, so why the hell do you want to draw more attention to that fact? And if by some strange coincidence you actually threw on sweats despite putting in effort on your hair and makeup, why do you want to detract from your hard work by wearing the clothing patron saint of frump?

Secondly, the words are usually either a brand logo or an adjective the wearer perceives herself to be; “Sexy”, “Hottie”, etc. While this may earn a glance because a man is forced to read your ass, telling him what to think about you pretty much guarantees he’s going to think the opposite–especially if your body is anything less than a 10. A poor choice, strategically speaking. Why?

Because every smart woman knows the most effective way to manipulate a man is to subtly suggest an idea so he thinks he came up with it, obviously! It is therefore entirely reasonable to conclude that wearing these pants advertises incompetence at handling romantic hetero relationships.

Lastly, cheater pants don’t only highlight the fact that the wearer was having a “sweatpants day”, it also implies that their whole life is a “sweatpants day”. Wearers seem to be too lazy to get their ass in shape so it actually looks good. Trust me, if your ass was already phenomenal, you wouldn’t need to resort to the distracting writing to make heads turn. Buyer beware—there is most likely a dimpled pancake hidden under that mess. Make that a lazy, JUICY, dimpled pancake.

Yum, yum! Come and get it!

*D. Brandi, B. Julia, The effect of fugly ass Cheater Pants on peripheral vision and its neurological links to migraines. Weak2Chic. 51, 1-108 (2011).

Via: momgrind for more appetizing pics and discourse on “butt writing”

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